An Open Letter to Bank of America (Apologies About the Length)

Dear Bank of America,

I know you must hear from a lot of upset customers. But have no fear! I am writing to express my utmost satisfaction with your services. It has been positively lovely to work with you! Since you must have a lot of valued customers like me and cannot possibly remember everyone, I will start from the beginning.

When I decided that I would be attending Clark University for school it became apparent that I would have to switch banks. You see, Chase, although it is based in New York, does not have branches in Massachusetts (something to do with a Red Sox-Yankees rivalry, perhaps?). This is what led me to you, you see, not only do you have a branch within a few blocks of my home in San Francisco, you even have a branch within a few blocks of Clark! It was a perfect match!

Let me just say this, I have never ever regretted choosing you. Do you know how fun it is to deposit cash in your ATMs? I have to try several times to put it in the machine before it is accepted! It is such a fun game; I mean, it is not as if I have other things to do all day!

But wait, my experience with you gets even better! Hard to believe, I know. One day this summer, I skipped in to your Noe Valley branch with my mom in tow. I was so excited just to visit! We waited very patiently on one of the convenient couches while your customer service representatives—looking so busy and hard-working—sat idly at their desks.

Once we were cordially invited to meet with someone, I started off by explaining my situation. You see, as I have a student account with you, I am a student—it is so great how that works! I told the representative that I would be studying abroad in the coming fall, and I was curious about how banking would work when I went abroad. Specifically, I wanted to know what I could do to avoid a transaction fee every time I took money out. The woman kindly told me that you have “sister” banks all over the world, and asked where I would be studying abroad. I excitedly replied that I would be in Scotland.

Did you know that you have banks in Germany? I certainly did not! But this is what the woman told me! Imagine that, your staff is so helpful as to suggest I fly to Germany every time I want to take money out! How sweet of them!  But, as I am a student (note again that I have a student account—funny how that works again, isn’t it?!), I decided that it would not be financially or academically responsible of me to fly to Germany every time I should need to visit a bank. And of course, as you are a bank and certainly have my best interests at heart, I am sure you would not encourage me to spend above of my means!

I decided to enquire about other options while I would be in Scotland. The staff member then asked what I would need money for, exactly. Wow! She really took an interest! I can’t believe she wouldn’t assume right off the bat that I would need money for groceries! Or living expenses! She even wanted to know what I would be doing while I was studying abroad and where I would be travelling! I love that she really wanted to get to know me! After I explained that I would need money for groceries and the like, and that studying abroad means to study abroad, she suggested taking out the maximum amount of cash each time I visited any ATM in order to minimize fees.

Wow! That is such a good idea! I love having tons of cash lying around! It is so safe! I mean, we all know that there are no criminals in Scotland! They were all sent to Australia a long time ago! But I mean, I am just an irresponsible student after all, and I decided I did not like the idea of having so much cash in my room. I asked about more possibilities.

Guess what! You have banks in the United Kingdom! Unfortunately though, Scotland is not part of the United Kingdom. Wow! That is certainly news to the Scottish, I think! Bank of America, you have certainly outdone yourselves! I didn't even know you have it in your power to kick people out of the U.K! That is truly amazing!

After this wonderful experience with your representatives, my mother and I went home—fully satisfied with the information we had received. But being the fickle adult that I am, a couple weeks later I was back with more questions.

This time, I needed help doing a wire transfer. You see, in order to actually attend school abroad, there are certain fees I have to pay. One of the methods of payment was a wire transfer, and according to the description provided by my host university, this seemed the easiest.

So I waltzed in to your Noe Valley branch once again, prepared with my questions. This time I was lucky enough to talk with someone with a very shaky grasp of English! What a cultural experience! I quickly explained my situation- I am a student (student account!) who will be studying abroad and would like to make a wire transfer to pay my accommodation fees to my host university.

The woman was kind to inform me that it would be a 25 dollar surcharge unless I did it online. I asked if it were possible for her to tell me how to do it online so that I could avoid this. She asked how much I was transferring, and I told her. It turns out that if I want to transfer more than 500 dollars, there is a 35 dollar surcharge! Wow! How exciting! If only accommodations cost less than 500 dollars! I guess this is your way of telling me that if I have to pay more, I am paying too much!

I asked if I could do it in installments to avoid the surcharge. Guess what though! It turns out, contradictory to what she said earlier, there is a 25 dollar surcharge EVEN IF I do it online! Thank you for clearing that up! She was then kind enough to ask where I would be transferring money to. Did you know that studying abroad means you actually have to go abroad? It then turned out that if I wanted to do an international wire transfer (since I am studying abroad), that it would be a 45 dollar surcharge. I am so glad that all this was so clear! I don’t know what I would have done without the help of the Noe Valley branch!

After I decided that I would have to figure something else out, I had one last question. I asked about the bank you are connected with in the United Kingdom, wondering how I will be able to use it and such. The representative was so helpful! She did not think you have banks in the United Kingdom-such a well kept secret, I am honored to be let in on it! When I insisted that you do have a bank in the U.K. (of which Scotland is a part, thanks for letting them back in!), and that it is called Barclays, your representative kindly informed me that, yes, you do have banks in Berkeley! Great! I am so happy you have banks in Berkeley! It’s basically a different country, right? Them hippie fuh-reaks!

When she realized that this is not what I meant, I was referred to someone with possibly more information. Once again, I explained my situation-the usual who I am, that I will be studying in Scotland in the fall, and I am wondering about the banks the U.K. She informed me that there is no special procedure for using my card abroad, that all I have to do is find a Barclay’s ATM and I will not be charged a fee, and I will not have to register with Barclay’s and get a Barclay’s card. She added that before I leave I should either call the number on the back of the card, or go to a Bank of America branch and inform them in person when I will be leaving and to not put a hold on my account should I try to use the card.

Weeks passed before my next encounter with you—this time at the larger branch downtown. After an exciting 45 minute wait in a three-person long line, I was called up to the teller. This time I wanted to take out pounds so that I would have money when I got to Scotland. Exchanging money in itself is quite a thrilling process, and after all sorts of papers were signed, I asked my very last question—it was a bit of a stumper, as it later turns out. I asked if he could make a note on my account that I would be going to Scotland. Guess what! He said yes! I don’t think even meeting Jack Nicholson could make me happier than I was in this moment!

Bank of America, you were so helpful throughout the summer, I had no doubt this would continue when I made it across the pond. Imagine my surprise when I go to use my debit card to pay my accommodation fees, and it is declined! That takes real talent-telling someone that it will be okay to use their card, then having it be the exact opposite! Congratulations!

Now, it is my turn to apologize. You see, after I got an email about suspicious activity on my account which told me to call in and verify that it was me, I allowed my father to visit your Noe Valley Branch and sort things out, as I have no phone. I am very sorry for unleashing him on you and allowing him to pester you with my problems! We did not realize you are so busy. As he says “houses won’t foreclose on themselves”!, and had I known this I never would have allowed him to try and take care of this for me, although I know he was really looking forward to it! On top of apologizing, I would also like to thank you for making it as enjoyable experience for him as it has been for me. I love that you assured him I had never been in to any of your branches, or spoken to any representatives. In fact, you were even able to tack on that I had never told you I was going to Scotland! That takes real talent-rewriting the past. And here I thought that Winston Smith was a fictional character- turns out your bank has multiples of him!

When I figured out how to call collect so I could sort this out myself, the system was so speedy and efficient! I got to talk to a robot and push so many buttons! It more fun than an arcade game! Then I got to talk to so many representatives and be transferred four or five times! I felt like I was at a cocktail party, all the socializing I did—especially with the fantastic on-hold music I got to listen to! Finally, I talked to a woman who released the hold on my account, and kindly reminded me that when I am going abroad I should let the bank know in advance so this sort of thing doesn't happen! Such good advice, I will be sure to do that in the future!

I am so happy it hurts to smile.

All in all Bank of America, you have made me feel like a truly valued customer. I want to thank you for your support and services-I certainly would never dream of switching banks! I have had such a fun and challenging experience! I am glad we were both up to the task! As I am sure that dealing with pesky customers like me is such a pain, I want to thank you for your patience as well! I look forward to dealing with you in the future.

Sincerely,

Sara Baker-Flynn